Falling down the rabbit hole
How often do you fall down the rabbit hole, claiming that what you see/know/think is the only REAL there is?
Recently I experienced how painful it can be for another, when I hold on to the notion that what I say is REAL, is the ony REAL.
We both attended the very same event.
We heard the same speaker.
We were in the same room.
I came away feeling excited, amazed, and hopeful by the speaker; by what they said and what they have been doing for over 30 years.
My friend came away feeling horrified, scared, enraged. As we shared afterwards, we found our clashing versions of 'real' colliding. I realised that we had each noticed very different things and so, had had very different experiences and had come to diametrically opposite conclusions - which were undeniably real to each of us.
We shared and cried; expressed anger, shame, confusion, compassion. We began to open up to listening to each other with care-ful curiosity; both of us softening to the realisations that because of our very different current-life contexts and past experiences, we were noticing and attuning to very different things.
As I reflected quietly after each of our several-times-a-day conversations, I came to a crucial realisation. I offer it here, speaking in first-person, as a way of holding it as a guide and commitment to myself and to my relationships with others: MY SENSE OF WHAT SEEMS REAL (to me) IS SHAPED BY THE LIMITATIONS OF WHAT I NOTICE. WHEN I EXPAND MY CAPACITY TO NOTICE MORE (than I was noticing before) MY SENSE OF WHAT IS REAL CHANGES.
When we are alone, stuck in our own frames of reference, fixed perspectives, and past-fuelled perceptions, it can be almost impossible to break free of what binds and blinds us.
Hearing what others noticed helped me to notice more.
Additionally, what helped me on the above occasion, was the depth of trust already established between myself and my friend. This enabled us to keep interacting, even through our distress. We worked through what was ours to work through together AND alone. We were changed and our sense of what is/was real, expanded to something richer, more complex, nuanced. This opened us up to appreciate the humanity of others and to break free of the judgements and accusations that our different versions of REAL were in danger of generating and perpetuating.
